A quick note- this is the last episode I'm reviewing before I put out an ebook of the reviews (plus bonus content). I'll make a post here when said ebook is available, and there will probably be a link on the side of this page like there is for the Clash book right now.
We get a cold open with Vince McMahon and "Macho Man" Randy Savage. Savage tells Hulk Hogan he'd be worried if he was Hulk. Even after the reunion with Elizabeth Savage is still at best a tweener here, leaning toward the heels. After running down the card we finally get the usual musical open.
Savage talks to Sgt. Slaughter, Gen. Adnan and Col. Mustafa. We see Wrestlemania VII bonus footage, of Slaughter hitting Hogan with a fireball when he headed back to the locker room. It's ridiculous they were doubling down on the Slaughter as Iraqi sympathizer shit at this point. The war was long over, Hogan had the belt- just move on.
We see the Undertaker putting Warrior in a coffin on the funeral parlor. I didn't think that had happened so soon after WM7. Warrior tells Gene his fate has not been sealed.
Sgt. Slaughter vs. The Ultimate Warrior- It's funny they keep hinting at, but not spelling out, what Savage did during the first match between the two at the Royal Rumble. Warrior chases everyone out as he enters. He slams Sarge off the top and clotheslines him. Warrior hits him in the belly-welly, and hits a baaaack body drop. Col. Mustafa tries to trip Warrior and gets his attention. Warrior knocks Sarge to the floor with a punch, and throws him back in. I like how Warrior had switched to air-brushed tights at this point. It looks like he had just gone on vacation to Florida. Slaughter gets an eye poke and eye rake, and throws Warrior out. Sheik rams Warrior's head to the mat. Slaughter then posts him, and rolls Warrior in. Sarge forearms Warrior's back, and gets a backbreaker. Slaughter grabs a bearhug. Warrior punches him and gets a body slam, but sells his back. Ugh, more bearhuggery, as Paul Bearer pushes down a casket. Warrior gets free, but is shocked at the Warrior-themed casket. Slaughter knocks Warrior to the floor by the casket. Slaughter kicks away as they head to break. Sgt. tosses him back in, and Warrior starts Warrioring Up. He hits several clotheslines, shoulderblocks Slaughter, and who should pop out of the casket but Mean Mark Callous. Warrior freezes when he sees him, and Sarge attacks from behind. Mustafa, Adnan and Taker then start quardruple-teaming Warrior, ending the match. *1/2 Hulk Hogan then makes the save, and has what is probably his first physicality with Taker, as he no-sells a belt shot. Hogan then focuses on an easier target, and chases Slaughter to the back. Taker misses two elbow drops, and then Warrior can't drop Taker with clotheslines. He finally clotheslines him over the top, but he still lands on his feet.
Gene talks to Jimmy "The Mouth of the South" Hart and the Nasty Boys. They're going to beat the crazy out of them, Sags says.
"Rowdy" Roddy Piper with the Bushwhackers. The Boys said they aren't nasty, but they lick Piper and he confirms their nastiness. They also try to lift his kilt, which definitely confirms their nastiness.
WWF tag team championship, Nasty Boys (c) vs. Bushwhackers- I'm just noticing the banners said "The Main Event." I wonder if this episode was going to be a Friday night special originally. Knobbs pounds on Luke but misses a corner splash. Knobbs gives him the 'Stop it Mr. Simpson" treatment in the corner. Luke reverses a whip, and hits Knobbs. It turns into a Pier 6'er, the Boys get whipped into each other, Whackers do the battering ram, and the Nasties bail. Sags attacks Butch, who eventually hits a kneelift (!). Luke hits a clothesline and gets two. Butch hits Knobbs into the buckles, and the Whackers battering ram both guys. Knobbs kicks Luke in the head as he bounces off the ropes, and the Nasties doubleteam. Knobbs gets two off of an elbowdrop. Butch breaks up a pin by Sags. Both men tag, and Butch pounds Knobbs in the solar plexus. Sags comes in and gets clotheslined, but Sags breaks up a pin attempt. With the ref distracted, the Nasties doubleteam, but Luke breaks up a pin. A fan facing the hard camera is waiving their chair (unfolded into the sitting position). ECW! ECW! Luke knocks Butch on top of Knobbs for two. Luke gets chided by the ref, and Knobbs pins Butch with an assist from Sags. No star. This was garbage, and all four men were in the ring for most of the match.
Gene talks to the Undertaker and Paul Bearer. They use plenty of puns about death.
20-man Battle Royal- Earthquake gets an entrance, followed by Hogan. Hulk points at everyone on the apron, and goes after Quake. Hennig stands on the apron. Hogan holds Quake as Jake Roberts punches him. Duggan takes a shot at Hogan but it's no sold. Kato works over Jake in the covrner. Jannetty headscissors Paul Roma over the top, and he in turn pulls out Jannetty. The Heenan family gangs up on the British Bulldog, but Jake saves him. Hogan and Bulldog then doubleteam Hennig. Kato punches and kicks Hogan. They really need some eliminations here. Michaels punches Hennig, but almost gets thrown out by a gang of grapplers. Hogan flips Hennig back in, and he and Valentine pinball Hennig. The Lord of War throws out the Bulldog. Haku kicks Jimmy Snuka through the ropes to the floor. Quake dumps Roberts out as he battles Hercules. Valentine attacks Quake, and Jake brings Lucifer the Snake out to scare Quake. All the wrestlers left move to the side away from the snake. Tugboat prevents Hogan from elminating Quake, and they slug it out. Warlord then hammers on Hogan's back, until Hulk throws him out. Barbarian dumps the Texas Tornado, no doubt bellowing, "Kerry Von Erich! Do you want to... get back in the ring?" Quake dumps Duggan. Hogan rakes Quake's eyes, and finally eliminates him. Hogan tosses Kato, and then Boat dumps Hogan! I really thought it was the other way around. Hmmm. Shawn Michaels, of all people, then dumps Boat. Bossman throws out Hercules right after. This was probably the unofficial start of Boat's heel turn, and an early sign that they could someday push Michaels. Hennig dropkicks Boss Man into a Barbarian backdrop out of the ring. Haku accidentally chops Perfect, and then Michaels dropkicks the future Meng out. HBK punches away at Hennig, and tosses Hennig over, but he tops on the mat. Michaels ropkicks him, but Hennig irish whips him to the corner. Michaels does a Flair flip over the corner, Hennig misses one shot to him but knocks him out with another. That was like a WCW Revenge sequence there. Hennig and Barbarian work over Valentine, but Hennig dropkicks Barbarian by mistake and Valentine tosses him out. The two remaining men chop away at each other, and Hammer atomic drops him into the corner. Hammer winds up and drops two elbows. Hammer tosses him but Hennig bounces right back in from the apron. Both men flip over the top, but only one of Hennig's feet touch the floor. Call it ** because of the last few minutes, but this thing dragged until they cleared some dead weight.
Ted Dibiase vs. Bret Hart- Dibiase now has Sensational SHerri with him. They lock up, and Dibiase knees bret in the gut. He hammers on Bret in the corner, but Bret hiptosses him and hits a clothesline., then another. Bret clotheslines him to the floor, and slingshots out onto Ted. You don't do that to a Ted! Back in, Bret locks a headlock for two. Dibiase then gets a near fall himself. Bret shoulders him down, but Sherri trips him. Bret pulls her up, and Dibiase hits a high knee. Bret gets two off of that. Bret gets a shoulderblock but then gets stun gunned. Dibiase piledrives Bret for two. Dibiase sidesteps Bret on a rollup attempt, sending the Hitman crashing to the floor. Outside, Dibiase rams him to the steps. Sherri then kicks Bret while the ref is distracted. SHerri also chokes him while he lays on the apron, and later forearms him. Dibiase rams him to the buckle, and chops him. Bret then takes his pattened sternum bump, as Dibiase readies the Million Dollar Dream. Bret rammed him backward to the buckles to break free, but I was hoping he'd do the flip-over manuever he got Steve Austin with. Dibiase tries an axehandle form the middle rope, but Bret hits him in the belly-welly. Bret punches away, and hits an atomic drop. A back elbow gets two. Russian Legsweep (for those playing Five Moves of Doom bingo) gets two. Bret then hits a backbreaker and drops an elbow from the middle rope for 2.9. Sherri trips Bret again, and he goes outside after her. Dibiase hits him with an axehandle. Piper runs down to ringside from commentary, and chases Sherri away from ringside. Dibiase then goes after Piper, and Bret follows him out. The two men slug it out in the aisle and get counted out. **3/4. A better finish would've helped, but they just didn't hit the gear you'd think those two would reach together, if that makes sense.
Tito Santana vs. The Mountie- If the future of SNME was going to involve more Mountie/Rougeau matches, then to quote Seth Rollins: Burn it dowwwwn! Lockup, Jacques shouts his name in Tito's face, and gets punched. El Matador is now my favorite wrestler. Atomic drop and two dropkicks, and Rougeau cowardly escapes. Tito tries to knock Mountie and Jimmy Hart's noggins, but he hits Tito low. Tito rams him to the apron, and tosses Mountie back in. Another low blow. C'mon ref. Tito punches the jerk in the mouth, but a monkey flip by Tito is blocked. A kick to the ribs, and Mountie half-nelsons Tito and rams his head into the buckle. Jacques goes for a splash that was obviously going to be blocked. Tito hits the flying forearm, but that little runt comes in to break up the count. Tito hits him with a forearm, but that lousy fake cop shocks Tito in the throat, complete with fake sound effect. -*****. Like Macho Man said, "somebody wake up Jack Tunney!"
Gene asks Slaughter if there are any depths to which he won't stoop? Slaughter doesnt really answer, but Sheik's reaction behind him are funny.
Piper talks to Hogan. It's like an '87 Piper's Pit! Apparently Slaughter committed crimes against mankind when he torched Hogan's poster? Maybe he burglarized Mick Foley's house? I'm just grasping at straws here, plus I don't care at all about this feud.
Vince and Macho wrap things up. Like, forever, but they likely didn't know yet the show was getting canceled.
In my mind, this was the last time SNME aired on NBC. Though Wikipedia lists more episodes in the horrible decade called the Oughts, I'm not concerning myself with those (until God willing, there is an updated edition of my ebook). There were two more episodes that aired on Fox, so we still need to deal with those someday. But I need to tie a bow on this ebook.
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