We begin with Jake “The Snake” Roberts making out with his wife, Cheryl. “Ravishing” Rick Rude says the night will.end with Damian wrapped around Jake”s neck, and Cheryl around his. Ooooh. Big Boss Man says “you have the right to feel pain. If you wish to have an attorney present, I’ll hurt him too!” The Hart Foundation wants to win the tag titles tonight, this time without Jimmy Hart. Demolition says there won't be anything for the Harts to reconstruct. Hulk Hogan is going to have Elizabeth present, to knock King Haku off of his throne.
From the Baltimore Arena, it's the fifth season premiere. They say Haku is defending the crown against Hogan. I’m holding them to that. First, we see the events leading up to Roberts-Rude.
Gene asks why would Rude want to face Roberts. He says Roberts and Damian couldn't win a three-legged race. Oh snap.
Gene says Rude is wearing the Cheryl tights. Jake says not for long. “Rude and his tights will go down.” Cheryl also has a fig leaf for Rude.
Rick Rude vs. Jake Roberts- Another Mania IV tourney rematch. And what a high bar they set there. They lock up to start and roll down the ropes. Rude shoulders him in the corner, but Jake hits a kneelift. Jake getsa wristlock. Rude tried to escape but Jake pulls him back in. Rude leapfrogs but gets hit low. Jake signals for the DDT, but Rude bails. Rude rakes the eyes coming back in. Jake misses his short arm clothesline, and Rude gets his own. Rude continues to work him over, and gestures at Cheryl. Jake clotheslines him when he is distracted, and punches him down. Jake gives him a gutbuster, and surfboards Rude so Cheryl can slap him. The ref ejects Cheryl and they head to a break, of course. Back, and Rude sends Jake into the post, then rams his arm into it. Jake pounds away back in, and gibes him a baaack bodydrop. He goes for tye DDt but gets backdropped. Rude does a fistdrop, and gets two on a sloppy cover. Jake bites his arm to get out of an armbar, and gets the DDT. He pulls Rude’s tights off instead of covering, and Heenan stomps away for the DQ. *** He also waved for Andre to come in, and he headbutts Jake to the floor. Jake then grabs Damian. Andre is afraid of the snake and begs off, but Jake.eventually throws Damian on the giant, Andre clutches his chest, and appears passed out. I just feel bad for the guy seeing this again. Heenan pounds on Andre’s chest and yells for help.
After the break officials are helping Andre get back up. He rolls out of the ring, bowling down one jabroni in the process. It unfortunately wasn't Pat Patterson, who was there, too. Heenan hugs the big man on the outside in a touching moment.
Gene talks to the Hart Foundation about their match with Demolition. They are sick of Jimmy "Mouth of the South" Hart, who will be with Demolition and Mr. Fuji tonight.
Jesse talks to the champs. Hart wants to prove the Harts are nothing without him. Ax says they'll be Conservatives and let the Harts be Liberals; "Bleeding-heart Liberals," Smash ads. It was a question from Jesse, what do you expect? He wanted to be Trump's running mate!
WWF tag team championship, Hart Foundation vs. Demolition (c)- Anvil starts with Ax. They slug it out to begin, but the Demos doubleteam in the corner. Smash can't suplex the Anvil, and he gets two off of that. Now the Harts doubleteam Smash, and Bret dropkicks him. He drops his elbow from the second rope for two. Bret started twisting Smash's arm, only to get clotheslined. Bret takes his patented sternum bump, and gets ruammed into Smash's boot in the corner. Anvil tries to come in, and Hart gets doubleteamed as a result. Fuji also chokes him with his cane. Smash snapmares him, and gets a chinlock. Ax gets the tag. Smash tags Ax, doubleteam Hart. Smash in for some clubberin'. He keeps working Bret over, and chokes him on the top. Smash misses a clothesline, Bret gets his own. Bret tags Anvil, who goes wild on the Demos. He punches Smash, dropkicks Ax then one for Smash, and a forearm and powerslam for the future Repo Man. Ax breaks up a pin, and all four in. The Demos get whipped together, Bret hits Fuji, Anvil grabs Jimmy, the Rougeaus run in and give Smash the megaphone, and he whacks Anvil with it for the pin. **¾.
We see footage of old King Harley Race missing a headbutt to a table against Hogan back in March. Haku is out for revenge. That's some impressive retconning, since Race wrestled.after that and Race even came for revenge against Haku a couple of months after this. They get Gene to bow indirectly.
King Haku vs. Hulk Hogan- Gene asks Hulk about his physical condition after his beating from the Big Bossman. He’s battered and bruised, but he's gonna knock him off his throne. He also has Elizabeth, “on loan from his Megapowers partner.” Mmm-hmm. Jesse’s not buying that one, either. Haku attacks as Hogan gets patted down. Chops aplenty, and he bites Hulk’s nose. Hulk begins the Hulk Up sequence, and Haku bails. Hulk rakes his back, and gets a clothesline and bootrakes his eyes. Heenan grabs his ankle, and Haku attacks Hulk coming back in. Haku chokes the Hulkster on the mat, and rakes his face. He works a nerve hold but Hogan Hulks Up again. An eyerake stops that, Hogan Irish whips Haku, but the Islander chops Hogan to the head and thrust kicks him out of the ring. Impressive. Heenan taunts Hogan outside, while Liz yells "c'mon ref!' Haku jumps off with a chop, but hits Heenan instead. Hogan goes back in and is now wearing the crown. That reminds me of Norm McDonald as Burt Reynolds on SNL. So of course they go to a break with Heenan being helped to the back. When they return Haku and Hogan tie up like it's a new match, and Hogan pummels him the corner. He whips Haku to the buckles, but the King comes out with a clothesline. He drops a headbutt on Hogan, and stomps him. Haku gets a suplex for two. More Up Hulking, big boot, legdrop FTW. *3/4. I now hate the SNME match formula as much as I do Raw's. I was so ready for this match to end before they did the commercial break reset. Hulky poses, and Liz even cups her ear. Where is the Macho Man during all of this?
Oh God, Dino Bravo is being interviewed by Mean Gene. He's just the worst.
Dino Bravo vs. Ken Patera- I just watched a Bravo match in the last hour, at WMV vs. Garvin. Let's get this over with. Patera says the stupid "America- Love it or Leave it" line that contradicts all of our supposed freedoms here. Sigh. They run into each other, and Patera clotheslines him and gives forearm shots. Patera with a baaaack bodydrop, and a body slam. Bravo headbutts him in the gut, and chops him in the corner. Patera gets rammed into the top buckle, and chokes him. Patera reverses an Irish whip, and punches Bravo in the corner. Patera with a snapmare and slam. After a shoulderblock he goes for the full nelson, which I didn't think he was using at this point. Patera charges into a boot. Bravo gets a reverse atomic drop, and the side slam gets the duke. * I would have gone a point higher if Patera swung him around in the full nelson. Hell, I may have give this five star for that.
Gene talks to Slick and the Boss Man. Gene says he makes Harry Carey look like Regis Philbin. I don't know what that means.
Big Boss Man vs. Jim Powers- This can't go long, judging by the timer. Boss Man hammers away on Powers, who goes between his legs but gets backed into the corner. Boss Man splashes him in the corner, and gets a kneelift. BBM headbutts him, and raises his arms to show his sweat stains. He does the rope straddle splash that Jericho used, and chops Powers in the throat. Boss Man gets a bearhug, and chokes Powers on the middle rope. Boss Man misses a clothesline and Powers gets two dropkicks, but BBM uses his finisher when he comes off of the ropes. 3/4* He cuffs powers to the middle rope, and whacks him with the nightstick. Paul Roma said Powers was a drunk, but this is a bit much.
Gene talks to Hogan about the beating BBM gave him on the Brother Love Show. Wow, Hulk even says the name Jim Powers. He didn't care enough to go help the kid, of course.
Ventura talks to Andre and Bobby. Ventura asks Andre if he's afraid of snakes. Andre grabs him by the shirt collar, and says don't say that word.
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